As an appetizer to tomorrow’s AI audition show, here’s the wittay and incomparable Dave White with his re-cap of American Idol’s first week.
Some of the more poignant observations:
Two former winners, Ruben and The Boogie, have been dropped. The Boogie doesn’t seem to care. And Ruben’s family is keeping the news from him.
Of course, “The Boogie” refers to one Taylor Hicks. Who can forget Dave’s absolutely wonderful assessment of Taylor after “the tipping point” performance of Play That Funky Music (White Boy):
Taylor saves the first half of the show with 1976’s “Play That Funky Music.” Nothing about the following few moments disappoints. First of all, he’s wearing hideous clothes that are clearly not the work of a stylist. Not that stylists don’t pick out hideous clothes all the time. But this feels like a Hicks-selected ensemble. Stupid pants. Vomit-y shirt. He could have his own line like Arnold Palmer or Mary-Kate and Ashley. It’d be called “Fuck You I’m Taylor Hicks and I Wear Ugly Shirts.” It could be FUBU for white gorks. But let’s talk about the singing. First he yells “GET UP!” and “AYEEEEE YEAH!” and does his soon-to-be-trademarked Awful Dancing. When he gets to the part of the song where it goes, “Lay down the boogie,” he’s wildly pointing out to the audience and then back to himself, and I have to go watch it again slowly a couple of times to see if I can figure out what he’s trying to really “say” to America. After two viewings I realize that when he sings the word “boogie” he’s pointing to himself. So Taylor Hicks is The Boogie. Why is he The Boogie? How do I become The Boogie too?
Beautiful. Dave White has just the right words to capture the AI moment. Back to 2008….
In response to his partner’s question concerning new Dreyer’s American Idol Ice Cream flavors, Dave quips:
Yes, the new flavors are here. They are “Color Purple Grape,” “Daughtry’s Snarly Bits of Choco Bunches of Oat Clusters and Nuts,” “Taylor Hicks’s Smoker’s Cough Crunch” (already recalled from stores), and “Clive Davis’s Foot in Your Ass, Kelly Clarkson,” which reportedly tastes like Clive Davis’s ass-covered foot.
On those that made it through the first round so far, my favorite is likely:
14. The guy who brought a plastic sandwich bag full of his own fingernails. He’s saved them in this bag since middle school. Now they’re old and brown. Oh, I’m sorry, were you eating lunch while reading this? Well, the gross part’s over. But it will probably linger in your mind for a while. And what’s awful about it — I mean, besides the thing of SAVING YOUR FINGERNAILS IN A BAG AND CARRYING THEM WITH YOU TO YOUR AMERICAN IDOL AUDITION — is that this guy is sort of scruffy-cute and is a decent singer. But now all I want to do is throw up. He says to the judges, “I want to be the next American Idol.” Well, too late.
On those who faced the “alternative” of not making it to Hollywood:
6. The girl dressed like Princess Leia who says that one day her children will be saddled with Star Wars names. Because that’s not cruel. She’s a true-blue stone-cold supernerd. But I’m not really fazed by people like this because the husband/partner/whatever drags me to the San Diego Comic-Con every summer. Her kind are a penny a gross. They ditch her. She cries. Whatever. See you at the San Diego Convention Center in July. Bring soap.
Since the Gray Charles archives are toast, there’s no record of the truly wonderful dialogue that went on when Gray posted Dave White. However, I did find this when looking for Dave’s current write-up. From Dave’s re-cap of the “Bocelli Love Song” night from Season 5:
The thing about Hicks singing is that he seems less happy with ballads than with big stompers. He seems to get nervous and often winds up pitchy when he’s got to slow down and hold a note. It’s almost like he doesn’t think he’s really singing unless he can wave his arms around and do kung fu kicks. But it’s fine. Not awesome. His hair looks good tonight. I know, I’m grasping for something decent to say, but I just got on the good side of the GrayCharles.com people and I’m trying to keep the good feelings going. You don’t want these folks mad at you.
Ah…..good times. Good times.