Last night’s Idol performances are “in the vault”, thank goodness. While there were a few good (not great) performances from da ladeez, most were mediocre to sub-par. While we’re immediately informed (over and over again) that many are deathbed ill with the flu, that didn’t explain that most of them were stiffer than Mr. D’s freshly ironed dress shirt — extra Niagra.
It’s still 60’s theme and without hope of a Beatles song, I’m choking with song anticipation. (Not really, but it adds drama.)
First up, we have FemBot657. I swear she sings at least two more times tonight, but this rendition is Rescue Me. Evidently, Femmy has not read the Idol rulebook that clearly states in Rule57 that you NEVER do an Aretha song as you will always “pale in comparison”. Yet she does and we endure what seems to be 20 minutes of the whitest rendition I’ve ever witnessed.
PlusBot, up next. Ok, I want to be as sensitive and politically ko-RECK as possible, but the fat girl angle is REALLY wearing thin. Mandissa championed that position and last year, Miss Kee Kee honed it to a fine art. I do think it’s a bit ironic, however, that Idol finds a plus model, i.e., the skinniest fat girl around, for “the show”. Make no mistake, kittens, this year is about tailoring. And please, all of you Soul Patrollers don’t go off about Tayloring. I get it. I drank the kool-aid. Well, back to PlusBot.
She didn’t read the rule book but at least she gets within spitting distance of Aretha on Say a Little Prayer. However, isn’t this the 39th time we see divas in training “reach” with an Aretha song. Stop. Just stop. The 60s were full of more than just Aretha. It’s been done. You missed that boat. Find something original. Is it that they’re just lazy or they really have no depth in the music that they can’t find something a little less known that would actually interest the listener. Ok, she gets an “aight dawg” from Randy while Paula drones on into jibberish and Simon finds nothing redeeming in the performance. This goes on 8 more times.
Who’s next? Maybe something a little different? I think not. FemBot 658 up next. True to her twins, she pulls out Diana Ross’ version of More Today Than Yesterday by Spiral Staircase. While it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, it was better than the Chikezie version of the night before….
PEOPLE. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY, FIND SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
Back to the girlz…
WOOOOO….HNOD, baby….lookin’ tight in her jeans of many colors. FINALLY. Something original. Different. Baby, Please Don’t Go by Van the Man and Them. She rawks. ‘Nuff said. She gets bluesy, rocks it out, and even scats. Perhaps if she makes the finals, she can reprise this with some guy on harmonica.
Simon, the European, has no idea what this song is. Yeah, right. Here’s a clue:
A little off-topic, but, that vid reminds me of some kind of serial killer diary. But I digress….
Here comes EyeCandyBot, the Trade Show Model. Good thing she’s lookin’ good, because she’s flatter than the Sprite Mini-DD has had in the frig for two weeks. She takes on the oh so white-bread Where the Boys Are. THIS is the Connie Francis stuff that FemBot657 should have embraced instead of trying to go MoTown on us. But, as Paula so aptly put it, “The camera DOES love her.” The judges feel she needs a country twang for this song….huh? Connie Francis ought to make a guest appearance and belt a little Lipstick on Your Collar.
Dharma the SuperNanny, up next. She’s starting to compete with HNOD for Shrew’s attention and it’s bothering me. Must. be. loyal. HNOD NEEDS us. Dharma will always be happy, no matter what. OK. So, she was decent. She did a fair version of The Turtles 60’s anthem, Happy Together. I liked her emotion and overall, as I said…decent. But I’m sort of in the Simon mode here….get dark, girl. Come over to the dark side, just a bit. With all of these “good two shoes” comments, I know that we are being set up for an Olivia Newton John performance of You’re the One That I Want. I got chills, they’re multiplyin’….
And we’re at half-time….pee break and back to the laptop. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that Shrew and I (with a pop in from brc) are chatting throughout this whole thing and all of the brilliant names and anything that might be offensive, comes from her. I’m shameless like dat.
Ryan annoyingly brings us back….
LushBot — Alexandrea. But you have to say it fast, fast. While she has a little ‘tude on the name thing, her performance of Spinning Wheel was really good. She took a 60s song and did make it relevant. She looked good and sounded great. One of the top tier performances (and their weren’t many) of both nights. Way to go, LushBot. Blood, Sweat & Tears, baby. Now, that is grittay.
And, now we have the musically obsessed SultryBot. One of the twins…. er triplets…..er quads. She does some kind of Britney Spears thing in the prologue and then into a literal Mind Bending of Groovy Kind of Love. Hey, music maven wannabe, the Phil Collins version IS NOT the 60s version and you were flat, as well as yawny, mcyawn, yawn. Paula delivers her, “You look really pretty tonight”, which is code for “you sound like crap.” She takes the cannonballs and is visibly pissed.
Disclaimer on this next one. This is all Shrew and me under extreme pressure from Shrew. DeadDadGal, whose only real claim to fame so far is that she auditioned for Idol two days after her Dad was killed in a car wreck. Hopefully, her performances won’t be. She delivers quite well with Janis’ Piece of My Heart. The back-up singers really help make this a lively little number and it will be good enough to move her on. Dad would be proud. (BTW, she has Mobile kun-NECK-shuns.)
So we have diversity on American Idol, there is SushiBot. Although Asian, she attempts a Mary J. Blige act. However, she does very well with Dusty Springfield’s You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me. Oh, what could have been with the Dusty Springfield…but no, we get overdone Aretha and Diana. As an aside, Aretha is the ONLY Queen.
We’re thankfully nearing the end with a performance by BeyonceBot. We struggled over this name or FroGal but felt we need to stay in the “Bot” theme. She and DeadDadGal or very similar but BeyonceBot is a little more experienced, being a back up singer and all. We have to re-live the drama of her losing her voice at the auditions and what a trooper she is before she finally gets into Tobacco Road. My all-knowing cohort and chat buddy schools me that this song was, in fact, originated in the 60s by Lou Rawls, long before The Animals and Edgar Winter. Who knew?
S’eesha Syesh’a Sy’asia um, BeyonceBot discoverd Tobacco Road from this memorable AI performance.
Man, I miss those guys….
And finally, we are blanketed with pimpage of She Who Shall Remain Nameless. However, it is evident that AI has felt a little heat from all the “controversy”, as SWSRN discloses that yes, she had a record deal with a now defunct record company and it went nowhere and she’s really just a poor little tatoo shop owner from San Diego. Randy who? Never heard of him. Really. How dumb do they really think we are? BTW, The Today Show had a little expose’ on SWSRN and all of the other plants via VFTW’s excellent sleuthing.
So, get ready for wowage…here comes SWSRN, who even though she just arose from her deathbed is scheduled to knock our proverbial socks off. She sings Shadow of Your Smile. What? What IS this song? Talk about obscure. And how, exactly, is that old Johnny Mandel tune relevant today? Well, it really doesn’t matter because as soon as she finishes, Randy goes over the top in his scripted praises, Paula pats her on the head for being such a good idol even through debilitating illness, and Simon plays the bad cop and frets over her mic technique.
It was average, at best. I’m sure some people who are tone deaf or don’t know the difference will listen to the judges’ assessment, but I think that SWSRN knows that this was not the best performance of the Top 24. They either want the controversary to keep people engaged, although they’re pissed about the whole deal, to root against her or they really don’t give a hoot. Perhaps Randy owes her one from letting MCA “implode” underneath her? Don’t know but their blind promotion of her and demotion of others, stinks. Desparation is one more step up the jump the shark ladder. And, creating controversy to maintain viewership IS desparation.
Now for you conspiracy theorists, I wonder just how did Carly get the low audition number of 175?
Going home? EyeCandyBot, SultryBot and one of the twins, or both. No matter.